Many know David Brooks for the professional hats he wears as a NYTs columnist and bestselling author, commentator for PBS NewsHour, and writer for The Atlantic. In his latest book, How to Know a Person, we discover that the man beneath these hats is an idealist, one who has chosen to use his platform as a writer to build and deepen human connection. In a society fraught with ever-increasing polarization and skyrocketing rates of depression, suicide, and gun violence, his book couldn't come at a better time. Everyone should read it.

How to Know a Person is the author's deep analysis of the kind of connection we all want to experience in our lives as often and in as many ways as possible. Brooks describes what it looks and feels like, what it doesn't, and how we fail at it. And fail we do all too often. Who hasn't asked a stranger at an event or on a plane what he does for a living or where she went to school? Brooks calls these kinds of questions the "instant size-up" of a "Diminisher," the type who consciously or not, makes people feel unseen and small. Genuine connection, Brooks says, is an art, one requiring a skill set we can all develop to become what he calls "Illuminators," those who see, respect, and value virtually everyone they know and meet. His book shows us how. It also gives us hope for a better world.

I got a lot out of this work. I learned that a good conversation always involves a balanced exchange and a great one sparks enlightenment. I learned that to really know others we must see them three-dimensionally: 1) as unique individuals; 2) as members of groups sharing social (e.g., ideological, religious, racial, class, etc.) and historical (e.g., racist, sexist, elitist, bigoted, etc.) inheritances; and 3) as human beings who view themselves as insiders or outsiders. I learned that asking the right questions requires a humble approach, and that even a dumb question is better than one insinuating how knowledgeable we are. I learned that hard conversations don't have to spiral into bad ones, provided disagreements stop short of power struggles and character attacks. But when they do, I learned we must step back, ask why, and find mutual ground. And I learned that being there for friends in the depths of depression and grief is not about coaxing them out of it but offering the comfort of being seen and the sense we'll be there on the other side of their despair.

That's for starters. I could go on and on. I'm certain I'll revisit this book throughout my life as I strive to evolve. It's that kind of work -- one anyone can pick up, randomly turn to any page, and learn something interesting, useful, enlightening and inspiring.

So why four stars and not five? I disagree with the author's dismissal of the Myers Briggs personality test, as I've taken it countless times over the past 35 years and have consistently scored the same type. Moreover, I've found it extremely useful in helping me understand almost everyone in my life, when used as a set of spectrums rather than an either/or assessment. The Big Five, a test Brooks endorses, is one I've personally scored very differently on, depending on the times I've taken it (e.g., when grieving). Also, while Brooks includes in his work an example of narcissistic behavior, he gives us the impression that we can and should have deep conversations with literally everyone. He fails to mention that some people have disordered personalities that require the opposite approach: firm boundaries.

But don't let these criticisms dissuade you from reading this book. Brooks's writing is open, honest, deeply insightful, and admirably well-intentioned. His views are enriched by a broad range of humanistic sources spanning the fields of neuroscience, clinical and social psychology, philosophy, literature and film. The book is a joy to read. More importantly, it's one that will inspire you to see and be seen in the best possible way. I highly recommend it.

Brand	N/A
Rating	4.6 (3715 ratings)
Price	$0.99
Category	Politics & Social Sciences

How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen